"A watched pot never boils"
I have been slipping in the regularity of my posting. I've managed to keep up a weekly effort, which has been my goal. But the the impetus, the flashes of inspiration that drive an idea from my mind to this page haven't come as easily or as readily and there is a reason for that: incubation.
Imagine. Plump brown chicken eggs sitting under a heat lamp, in somnolent, purposeful repose. To the naked eye, they're just laying there, but look inside and they are a crowded hive of developmental activity. Such is the hopeful metaphor for what is going on in my subconscious mind at the moment.
On my other blog: Every Day Do One Thing I have been dutifully (nearly so) recording activities dedicated to making my Big Move this year. To hold myself accountable, as well as create a log of my progress, I created a blog where I can record my journey to finding the right place to call home, a job to fund that lifestyle, and that ephemeral 'aha' of this is the right place for me. I've been filling my brain with books on how to create change in life, I've got The First 30 Days by Ariane de Bonvoisin on my nightstand and Steering by Starlight by Martha Beck playing on CD in the Hummer. (BTW, this book is one of the best I've encountered in the 'make your life better genre'. And listening to it is even better as Beck's voice perfectly conveys the wry sense of humor of her writing.) I've also been planning trips out west, one in March (destination not yet decided) and in April out to Lake Tahoe for a week. Yet, as useful as these trips may be I am mindful that each one is takes money from another account that could be used for the house. The result is that my mood swings from inspiration, on hopes of finding my own 'north star' as directed by Martha Beck, with glorious glimpses of becoming the Suzanne I've seen in my mind, the better woman who is living up to the potential I've imagined in myself, that woman who is employed in a career she loves, living in a little house on the side of mountain, finally content....yea, that girl. And then my mood swings to dark clouds, to me paralysed by fear when I turn on the news and consider the climbing unemployment rates or my inability to make a confident decision. I spend every moment thinking or worrying about what more I could do to find a job or find a place to move, and wondering if I am doing enough.
Adele (my mother) often reminds me, that with my birthday next month, I am not getting any younger and so this quest must reach fruition this year. I've spent too much time talking about, wondering and wandering about, finding the elusive home. It's time to move forward and put down roots. So I started the blog at the beginning of January and have been recording what I do each day to bring myself closer to my goal. Lately however, the pressure of what I want versus what is practical is reaching an impasse and I have spent the last week going to bed with a stomach in knots. My greatest fear is that I will not choose the right place. Looking for a job and a home from afar is difficult and perhaps not even practical. At some point I may simply have to take a leap of faith and simply move to the place of choice and look from there. The question is whether I will land on my feet after I take that leap.
So this is what is on my mind. This is my incubation period where like the egg, from the outside I appear stuck in one place while beneath the surface my mind is busily absorbing all the sources I keep feeding it and I hope that my efforts will eventually lead to an insight that will propel me forward to the next great phase of life. If you are curious about my progress check out my other blog and wish me well!