And yet, as I worked away with my shovel (I'd been unable to get the snowblower to start) the only thing I could think of was: I'm bored. In fact, I was so desperately bored that I started praying: 'Dear God, I want to be productive. I believe that you've given me talents and a purpose. Help me to figure out how to put those to productive and profitable use so I can be financially independent and a productive member of society. Amen." Or something along those lines, perhaps not quite so eloquent...I tend to ramble when I pray. But I'd hoped that the repetitive, meditative physicality of shoveling would open my mind to inspiration.
By the end of the driveway the only definitive idea I'd come up with was that I'd like to start a monthly book club as a means to meet people in the community. When I came in from shoveling, I sent my real estate agent an email and told her about the book club idea and asked her if she knew anyone who'd like to join. (I'm torn between wanting to read 'The Help' or cozy mysteries or biographies or women's fiction, see...decisive. not.)
My problem is that I don't know what I want to do for a career. Oh, I can tell you what I don't want: I don't want a corporate job that requires me to wear pantyhose, a business suit, a corporate structure reporting to a boss that I may or may not like, the prison of a set salary with yearly increases determined not by my efforts but by some predetermined percentage. I don't want to work in sales, I hate cold calling. I've done that, and had enough of it. Although to be fair, there is a comforting security in receiving a known monthly salary that can be counted on to pay the bills, the fun of working with others in the group. On the other hand, having worked in commercial real estate for the past three years I know the freedom of making my own hours, but also the insecurity of going months without income while I waited for a deal to close, or to have a deal fall through at the eleventh hour.
But ask me what I want to do and I'm large on generalizations and short on specifics. Last night I was working on Chapter 7 of The Pathfinder (my favorite career finding book so far). In Chapter 7 I was instructed to compile a list of my career 'wants'. Here's the list of my Top 5:
I want to be financially secure and independent, creating automatic sources of income.
I want to work for myself.
I want to work from home, but have an active social life.
I want to be fearless and confident about who I am and what I do for a career.
I want to discover and utilize my natural talents and passions in my workday.
I want to learn how to make money, invest and grow my income.
I want to be successful in my field.
I want to inspire and influence people through my writing.
I want to be able to work from anywhere in the world.
Okay, that was more than five, but you get the idea.
I have a deep longing in my heart to create a career that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning, that makes me feel productive, in the flow, with a knowing that I am doing exactly what I was born to do. The problem is that I have no idea of what that is. And so I pray and I write this daily blog of the journey. And now I need to discover another way to move forward, closer to that goal because what I felt today was not boredom it was a growing desperation to make progress.