Walking with God - A Self-Employed Job Seeker's Meditation
If you are a long-time reader of this blog, you know that I have been job hunting for a long-time without much luck. It's frustrating because I know that I am qualified and that if given the opportunity that I could be an outstanding contributor to a company.
My first love is writing. I am proud of the books I've written, because they represent a dream-come-true. When I left my investment banking job in New York, almost 20 years ago, it was to discover and pursue a career I loved. I sincerely believe that writing is that career. Unfortunately, at present I do not make enough from the sale of my books to call this sustaining.
So, I have been looking for other ways to supplement my income. During the upcoming holiday season, I will be starting a home based baking service to supplement my income.
That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil-this is the gift of God.
I know that God wants us to be 'fruitful', that He values our efforts at work. Which is why I am confused that my prayers for success in my job hunt have gone unanswered and all the resumes I've sent out have been rejected.
It doesn't make sense...because I am qualified for the positions I'm applying for.
Yet, despite the lack of tuition, this has been the most productive time of my life. I am writing, I am teaching myself to bake. I haven't haven't found a way to turn both of these skills into sustainable income, but I have become the woman I've always dreamed of becoming.
"If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."
~ Luke 12:28-31
Each month, God has supplied for our needs. I am grateful for everything we have, most especially health insurance and good health. We do get by. Yet, I confess that I wish that I could do more, like taking my mother on a vacation to see the Christmas lights of New York, which is something she speaks of often.
Is it wrong to wish for more than just enough?
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am grateful for every talent and ability that God has given me, and I long to use it to accomplish more.
I confess that I often feel embarrassed in the company of family or friends, because I am not financially self-sufficient. I feel that I must be a disappointment to my family because on paper I seem to be very well qualified, but in life I have not yet figured out to turn those talents into income.
"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
Over the last four years, I've learned a lot about myself and money. When I had a lot of money, I felt secure, yet I was very unhappy because I was not pursuing my 'right' career.
Now that I have gone though much of my savings trying to get my writing career off the ground, I am less financially secure, but much happier in myself and in my relationship with God.
Their land is full of idols; they bow down to the work of their hands, to what their fingers have made.
What I have learned when stripped down to the essence of who I am, is that God cares most of all for and about us. He is less concerned with the stuff we have.
And maybe that is what all of this has been about. God has been trying to get me to unclench my hands, to release the money I held onto because I was so insecure, and to learn to trust Him.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
~2 Corinthians 12:9
Through this journey, I have learned to rely upon the fact that God is with me.
I look forward to the day when my book sales sustain me, or when I have found a job that will do the same. But I hope I never lose the closeness I have found when I have had to rely completely on God's goodness and mercy, because that it truly is never-ending.
So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
~1 Corinthians 10:31
I hope eventually my writing will become my sustaining career, I love it so. And I hope that it will be pleasing to God, so that as with the parable of the talents, God will look at the books I've written and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."